


Best Laid Plans

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-16 02:56:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10562277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: It’s just that Chakotay’s proposal – and I feel a flutter in my belly when I use that word – was so unexpected.Written for Kate04 for the 2008 Ficlet Exchange.





	

_I always thought I knew what I would do with my life._ I had a plan – I had several plans in fact; each meticulously conceived and considered.

Most of them had come to fruition in some form or another over the years and I was quietly proud of myself for keeping to the program.

Through bitter experience, however, I’ve learned that life has a habit of throwing obstacles in one’s path – unexpected and, at times, soul-shattering impediments that often require one to reassess and re-evaluate the aforementioned plans. Until now, I’ve always found the inner fortitude to deal with these unforeseen stumbling-blocks but what happened this morning was a bump in the road a little different to the usual hiccup I’ve encountered along life’s highway. Subsequently I’m left floundering and unprepared to deal with the fallout.

I thought I was getting used to the curly ones from left field, but perhaps I was wrong. Being tossed seventy-thousand light years across the galaxy certainly raised the bar on what one might consider a glitch in proceedings but, I have to say, today’s ‘encounter’ has thrown me for a loop. Where is my mettle, my steely inner fortitude? They have all but deserted me and the only things I have to show for myself are knees of jelly, a roiling stomach and a heart beating like a jackhammer in my chest.

I’m standing here now, on unsteady legs, staring at the closed door of my Ready Room, which only moments before, snapped shut behind the retreating figure of my first officer.

Damn you, Chakotay!

I don’t know what to think. No, I lie. I know exactly what I’m thinking. I want to follow him, to tell him that I feel the same and have done so for years, then take him to my quarters and make love to him for the rest of the day, no, week, hell… the rest of my life!

But I don’t.

Instead, I quash all those spontaneous feelings and instincts for emotional freedom and take the well travelled and less thorny path – I consider the plan. How would this impact on what I thought I would do with my life? What would the outcomes be? Where would it lead me?

The plan had been a relatively simple one. A career, a home, a husband, a family… pretty much in that order.

I had my career and it was going swimmingly, considering the circumstances, however, until this moment I’d never felt any urgency to pursue my other goals. In many instances, I’d actively avoided them but Chakotay’s revelations have set the cat amongst the pigeons and, thanks to a flurry of metaphorical feathers, I’m having trouble seeing my way clear.

Deep breaths, Kathryn, deep breaths. I’m not sure whether to be angry with him or…. Or what? It’s ridiculous really; I feel exactly the same and those regulations and parameters that I’m so fond of touting, are really nothing more than a pitiful excuse to put off the inevitable. All they prove is that I’m a coward.

Starfleet wouldn’t expect us to remain celibate and single, not with the prospect of a lifetime’s travel ahead of us. They’re not that stupid or short-sighted. Home is light-years away and we’re the only Starfleet vessel in this quadrant – our own little warp capable island of Alpha Quadrant beings. Even if we were to make the best possible time, I’ve calculated that Chakotay and I will be well into our nineties by the time we enter Federation space; that is, of course, if we survive the journey to that point. The youngest of our crew will be in their late seventies and the mere thought of a Bridge full of geriatrics, tottering from console to console, is almost comical… almost.

No, Starfleet would expect us to pair-off, marry, if we felt so inclined and, of course, procreate. This is the only viable option for us; the _only_ way we can successfully complete our mission and bring Voyager home.

It’s just that Chakotay’s proposal – and I feel a flutter in my belly when I use that word – was so unexpected. It had come completely out of the blue. There’d been no life or death situations for weeks, no moments of crisis that might have compelled him to make his declaration. We’re in a quiet part of space and I was sitting in my Ready Room, going over the analysis of an incredibly boring gaseous anomaly that we’d passed the previous day, when he came striding through the door without warning. That in itself wasn’t unusual. We’re so familiar with one another these days that he often doesn’t chime before he enters the Ready Room, but in this instance there was an urgency in his manner that made me sit up and take notice.

He took two strides into the room, his eyes never leaving mine as he approached the desk, and, planting his hands halfway across the tabletop, he leant forward, his face mere inches from mine. I could feel his warm breath on my face and with his eyes drilling into me he spoke quietly but firmly. The words, now indelibly imprinted on my mind, replay. His quiet voice echoing through my head, as I stand here staring at the closed door.

_“Kathryn, the time has come to address this connection between us. You must know that I love you and want to be with you. I need you, not just as my captain and friend but also as my lover and the woman with whom I wish to spend the rest of my life. I want to live with you, make love to you. I need you in my arms and in my bed. I want you to be the mother of my children and be by my side until the day I die. I’ve waited for too long and it’s time now that I made my intentions clear. If you don’t love me, tell me and I’ll move on. But I **know,**_ _deep in my heart that you love me too and my hope is now, with my feelings expressed plainly, with no room for misinterpretation that you’ll come to a decision about what our future holds for us. We belong together, Kathryn. You and I.”_

It took my breath away and I close my eyes, my fingers drifting up to my lips as I remember the sensation of his mouth on mine. Our first kiss and it was over in a heartbeat. I’d barely had time to register the press of his lips before he pulled away, leaving me bereft.

Looking deeply into my eyes, he’d caressed my cheek before saying. “Kathryn Janeway, I love you.” Then he spun on his heel and exited; the doors swishing shut with a dull thud of finality. I jolted to my feet at the sound, every fibre in my being poised to chase after him but I didn’t move and I’m standing here still, my knees weak and my heart pounding.

I slump back into my chair, run a shaky hand through my hair and try to think. I try very hard, but my mind is a blank. All I register are feelings – the heat of his kiss, the gentle touch of his fingers and this dreadful yearning that’s making my heart ache.

I think I’m afraid but I don’t know why. I shouldn’t be. This is Chakotay. The man who has sustained me, challenged me and been my rock since the moment we became stranded in this godforsaken quadrant almost six years ago.

I could tell him that I don’t love him – I could lie. He would be free to move on and I would be… Oh God, I would be heartbroken. The mere thought of it makes me slam my hand over my mouth to stifle a sob. I couldn’t bear it. It would kill me if he stopped loving me, at least a large and vital part of me – and I can see now that his love is something that I have selfishly taken for granted all these years without one skerrick of acknowledgement or recognition. All this time and he still cares. I don’t deserve it. He’s an extraordinary man to have tolerated this treatment for so long and still love me in spite of it.

Chakotay still loves me!

Suddenly it all becomes so clear. Crystal clear. The plan will be altered once more. It’s not as if it hasn’t been adapted and modified countless times over the years. I take a deep breath. My knees stop their wobbling and my heartbeat slows and steadies. I love him too. I’ve never doubted that and I know what I’m about to do is right. Filled with resolve, I move around my desk and head towards the door, tapping my combadge on the way. “Computer, locate Commander Chakotay.”

_“Commander Chakotay is in his office.”_

The door swishes open in front of me; its hiss sounds like a, “Yes.” and I take it as another sign that I’m on the correct path. I feel so strongly that this is my destiny and each step that brings me closer to him, cements that sense of truth, as if there is an invisible string drawing me to him.

Without slowing my pace, I speak to Tuvok as I pass the Tactical station, “You have the bridge, Commander.”

He nods, “Aye, Captain.” and moves from his console to take his place in the centre seat, oblivious to the momentous event about to take place. I continue across the Bridge and exit through the far door.

It’s only a dozen steps to Chakotay’s office and I don’t hesitate. I’m on a mission now, an urgent undertaking to put into action the plan for the rest of our lives. It is sublime in its simplicity and for the life of me, I can’t remember why I ever thought this was a bad idea. How could being with the man I love ever have been wrong? It’s as though my eyes have been opened, the blinkers removed and I couldn’t be happier.

I don’t press the chime on his door but enter my override and stride in, my pace only slowing when I reach his desk. It is like a mirror image of what happened in my Ready Room a short while ago. He is sitting behind his desk, looking a little startled as I place my hands down in the middle of the table top and lean over towards him. My eyes meet his and I see him steel himself, waiting for me to berate him. I’m not surprised that he thinks I would do that but it brings an unwelcome sting of tears to my eyes. I need to reassure him and open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. I watch his eyes cloud with regret as he begins to pull away. I can’t let this happen so, before he can move too far, I decide that actions speak louder than words and grabbing the front of his jacket, I pull him towards me and slam my mouth onto his.

For a split second, his lips are rigid with shock but then they soften and before I know what is happening, his arms are around me and he’s on his feet, dragging me across his desk. Things are being knocked hither and thither, cups, PADDs and computer consoles are strewn across the desk top and floor but neither of us cares.

He is moaning into my mouth and I think I’m making whimpering noises as well, but I can’t be sure. It’s all too overwhelming. His lips are so warm and his tongue is teasing at the corners of my mouth. As my legs swing around to dangle off the desk in front of him, he leans into me. My lips open and his tongue slips past to toy and tangle with mine. He hauls me to my feet and we pull away from one another briefly. I stare at him and he stares at me, then he mutters, “Thank God.” and takes my mouth again in a searing kiss that I feel all the way to my toes. There is a desperation in his manner and, in my mind’s eye, I can see us naked, draped across his desk, my legs wrapped around his hips as we writhe in each other’s arms but I know we can’t. Reluctantly, I drag my lips away from his and my forehead thuds onto his breastbone, one hand still curled into the fabric of his jacket, the other flat against his chest, resting over his heart.

I can barely string two words together, my ragged breathing and spinning head make it almost impossible to speak but I snake my hand up to cup his cheek and tuck my head into the crook of his shoulder. I know I’m trembling and I hope he realises just how difficult it is for me to stop us at this point. All the years of pent up desire and need – it’s like trying to hold back a volcano, but it can’t happen here.

I rub my cheek along his jaw, his bristles rasping gently against my skin and it sends another shiver down my spine. I can smell him and I’ve tasted him, I couldn’t go back now, even if I wanted to.

His hold on me is firm, but his hands caress me gently, he is all contradictions. Hard planes, jutting heat and softness. I smile as he whispers. “I know, Kathryn. Not here but later.”

I nod and lift my face so I can meet his eyes. “I love you. I have for a very long time.” My thumb gently strokes the corner of his mouth. “Thank you.”

He nods and smiles. I don’t have to elaborate; he knows exactly what I mean.

“It was time and I needed to say the words aloud.”

“Say them again.”

“I love you, Kathryn.”

My face breaks into a beaming smile and I hug him. The urgency has left us for the moment and we are now standing here in the warm and comforting glow of requited love. At long last I feel whole and I know exactly what I’m going to do with my life.

fin


End file.
